Wednesday, April 1, 2015


Brown and squishy,
Sometimes smelly,
Formed inside
The human belly.

Walnuts in one,
Sweetcorn in another,
Twin turds are born
From a different mother.

Pick them up
For a bitter snack,
Or flush them away
Like a load of crap.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Broken Tooth

You motherfucker,
Sneaky bastard!
You broke off
In my sleep
Like a traitorous asshat!

No pain yet,
Just a gaping hole.
A chunk of molar
Either swallowed
Or on the floor
With all the cat hair,
Toenail clippings,
And boogers.

Now I need a dentist,
Overpriced sadist,
Before my gummy-wummy
Starts to go numby-wummy.
I hope that tooth
Isn't in my tummy.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Psycho on the Corner

Rocking in your porch chair
In your piss-stained underwear
Yelling "Urrrrrgh Urrrrrgh Urrrrrgh" at the traffic,
You're a fucking psycho, dude.
I know it's hot out,
But why are you nude?

Thursday, June 19, 2014


Fizzy wizzy on my tonguey,
Bubbly gluggly in my belly.
Oh, Monster, you appease me.
You even turn my weewee grapey.

Your black and green can
Is the stuff of legend;
Icy from the fridge
Like a demonic bellend.

Some say your logo is Satanic,
Like Hebrew numbers for six-six-six.
"Release the beast," you say.
To which I reply, "Alrightly then, okay."

I can't admit that you give me energy.
I'm more likely to sleep
Than go out and play.
But then I'm weird like that

Oh, Monster, I adore you.
Now I must run quickly
To the toilet
To have an enormous poo.

Monday, May 12, 2014

English Muffin

Thou lookest like a crumpet,
But thou dost taste like dry toast.
Cannot even marmalade
Rid thee of thy aridness?

But lo, hearken unto me,
For there art bacon!
Not good back bacon
Just greasy, streaky shit
For moisturiser, perchance.

Muffin and bacon.
Bacon and muffin.
Two nebulous universes collide
Within thy salty embrace.

Friday, April 25, 2014

To My Cat

Hairy pussy, how I love thee.
You've got claws and teeth and a tail
And ears and whiskers
And eyes that glow in the dark
And shit.

You use a litter box as your toilet.
So do I.
We're soulmates, my puss.
You smell of saliva and piss
And so do I now.

I wonder if you think about mice
Like Jerry or Speedy Gonzalez.
Maybe you don't because you're a cat.
Or maybe you do.
Does it even matter?

No, don't bite me!
Stop biting me!
I'll feed you with my love
And biscuits.

You love Mars bars, don't you?

Sunday, March 9, 2014


Wind and piss
And curry-stained lips.
We all march on like angels
Engulfed in cowshit.

Immolated rats
Searing the skies like comets.
Are there really lilac cows
In Austria?

Too late.
We die before we are born.
Hail Mary and Sister Agnes!
I see the rainbow.